Everything is everything.

Smile!

What’s the worst that could happen? Simple, it’s the worst that could happen. People say that like, “Oh yeah, ha ha, the worst is so rare, let’s have a spot of fun,” when really it should be “oh yeah, ha ha, the worst never stops happening, let’s have a spot of fun.” Fuck it, the worst happens all the time. Everything. Everything is the worst. People dying, being maimed, sold, or raped. Drug addiction, child labor, hate crimes, and it doesn’t stop there. Take it down a notch and you’ve got debt crisis, alcoholism, rampant insecurity and self-hatred. Self-mutilation, abuse, doubt and horrors that are countless. The isms parade around with their masks clean off so what’s the worst that could happen that hasn’t already arrived?

Fuck waiting for it, fuck asking for it, life gives it to you no matter what and your best strategy is to smile and be grateful. I’m serious. Let life kick your teeth out, fuck, it might actually feel good to scrape your face against the oak at the bottom of the barrel, to feel your organs bust when you bellyflop onto rock bottom. Enjoy it. Smile. Laugh when your feelings are hurt. Giggle when you hate yourself. Chuckle when you feel worthless. Because it’s not going anywhere, you might as well love it. Not because you’re worthless (you aren’t), not because you should be hated or you deserve to have your feelings hurt (you don’t.) But that’s just the way it fucking IS. It’s the very worst that could happen to you and if you take it in stride, then what? If the worst that could happen happens and you’re still alive to enjoy it then go ahead and GODDAMN ENJOY IT.

I’ll never be anything more than a person trying to work through her issues and find her little spot to stand in the sun. I fought against it in every way, berating myself for every negative emotion, every stupid action, every hope bubble that burst in my face and got soapy karma in my eye. But what else can I do really? Life wants to bless me with a knuckle sandwich right in the dignity, or stab a handful of sweet consequence through my aorta, then fine. It’s better than being dead, in whatever sense of the word you choose. Feelings HURT and people are STUPID. But I’d rather be stupid and hurt than smart and inhuman. I’m imperfect and I don’t give a shit anymore, because there’s nothing else to be.

“Coming up, we have a large dosage of shame, insecurity, and regret, heavy on the crazy with hate-rage on the side, guaranteed to leave you emotionally bruised, mentally broken, and your pillow soaked through with your sorry-ass tears.”

Sounds heavenly. Glad I brought my smile.  

Hey, brightontheoutside!

I want these things on Sunday.

CHEEEEEEESE. In my gullet. VAMANOS!

Any ideas?

Through some profound miscommunication with my significant other, I now have a week off in July and no one to spend it with. He is going to a music festival and I’ll be damned if I sit at home with a week of vacation thinking about what a great time he’s probably having and plotting my revenge. I’ll be DAMNED, because revenge always sounds more appetizing than it actually is. (Note: This applies to loved ones and cases where the need for revenge is not evident. Revenge against the deserving can be exceptionally rewarding, though perhaps not worth the energy.)

So, here are some of my potential plans. I am more than open to suggestions.

1. Go to a music festival. The only one I have found so far that I am interested in is the High Sierra Music Festival, which has Ben Harper, Matisyahu, and the Heartless Bastards. It’s in California and only 3 days, so I’d have to find other ways to occupy myself, meaning lots of time spent pondering what an awesome time my partner is having. Not okay with that.

2. Visit an old friend. She lives in Colorado, but may be on the move. If she is available, then all is well, but she may not be. There is still the matter of contacting her and then pinpointing where she will be. Could get sticky.

3. Stay at a nudist colony. I like being naked. Being naked for a week sounds fun. Requires more research on my part. Am looking for more of a rustic commune than a bunch of rich, leathery-skinned types, which is mostly what my initial searches turned up.

4. Go to Africa. Potential to be extremely rewarding and/or extremely complicated. If I can find an inexpensive, fun way to do this, I’d be all over it.

5. Go to Hawaii, specifically Kauai. Do Hawaiian stuff. No idea what that is. Probably end up reading a shit ton of books. Also willing to consider the Caribbean.

Things I do not want to do: Sit at home. (I could read and play music, but I know I’d just get depressed extremely quickly. I’d rather read and play music somewhere I’ve never been, so at least the atmosphere will be distracting.) Go WWOOF again. (I don’t want to work on my vacation.) Things I am willing to do, under the right circumstances: Go somewhere crazy. (If the price is right and I can go with a group, I’m completely willing to hike to Macchu Picchu or go monastery-hopping in Thailand. The world is my oyster as long as I’m not a walking target.) Follow a band. (This was my plan until I found out the band I wanted to follow wouldn’t be playing any of the dates I was available. Not interested in a commercial band, just a good one with a small, but loyal following. If I can hang out with the band without having to be strip-searched, that’s the ideal.)

Also, ANYTHING. Seriously, I’m a very sensitive soul, but I’m up for any experience as long as it’s interesting to me. Caution to the wind. 4real. So, what say you out there? Thoughts?